Draquens

Share your stories and written works here. Keep all writing user friendly.

Which story should I keep writing for?

#1
0
No votes
#1- but it needs working on
0
No votes
#2
0
No votes
#2- but it needs working on
1
50%
Neither
0
No votes
Both- equally great
0
No votes
Both- need work
1
50%
 
Total votes : 2

Draquens

Postby Saphira127 » Tue Mar 07, 2017 6:39 pm

Hi everybody!
This forum is a place for me to share my writing.
I have written this plot line out about Dragons and I have written the start of 2 stories with mostly the same plot.
I have a problem though, I do not know which story is better and I should keep going with.
So, that is where you guys come in.
Please read these two stories and choose which one is the best in the poll.

#1
As Avare yawned, a wisp of an unknown scent floated into his den, catching him off guard. There was something about this smell that was oddly familiar, though he was not quite sure where he had encountered this smell before...
“Avare!”
His head shot up so fast that he nearly missed hitting it on the roof of his cave. It was Nveryll, a proud Guento Kidalir.
Guente Kidalir means Alpha Warrior in Draqudal, the language of the Draquens(or dragons).
“Nveryll”, Avare called out of his den. “What brings you to my cave, Al Mugto Capl ’(Oh Strong One)? Have you come to take me away? Are you taking me to the land of the Bezar Draquens? Have you come to take me home to my fellow traitors?”
“Avare. You know you aren’t like them. You know it’s not your fault about what happened to your parents. It was the Tacadors(traitors) tricking you, tricking everyone. Why do you still blame your self for it is. It was not your fault. That was ten years ago.”
This was unusual. They always joked about Nveryll saving him from the Bezar, or black, dragons who convinced him into killing not just Avare’s parents, but his best friend’s parents too. They had always joked about how some day Nveryll might just take him back to where he came from because he was being too annoying. That one day he would just pick him up with his ‘great strength’ and drop him off at the Bezar Draquens’ camp and leave him there with his ‘old friends’.
Of course Nveryll would never do that because no one knew where their camp is even at, and he would never give away there only friend he had.

Since the day he had saved Avare, Nveryll had been close to shunned by the rest of the tribe. He had been only 12 when he had saved Avare. A true warrior, but still young. He had wanted to show his mentor how truly brave he was. He wanted to prove himself worthy to be a warrior. So, when the Bezar Trepaln came to his Trepaln(tribe) for help, he watched every move that they made and did as much as he could. Especially when two great Kidalir from his tribe and two wyverns from the other tribe had been bean killed. No one knew who had done it and chaos spread across the two tribes.
Luckily, Nveryll soon found out Avare was the one doing it, though he did not know why. Avare was only friend 2 when this was happening, so Nveryll knew it must have been trickery. He led him to the scene of where he had killed his parents and asked me where he was and what he was doing on that night. He answered that he had no idea, all he remembered was getting led away by a large dragon and drinking this weird tasting water, all he could remember after that was waking up in the den he was staying in, finding his parents dead, and remembering a dream that involved faint screaming in the darkness.
Doing some further research, Nveryll suspected Avare had been fed Congactu Ralto (or Controlling Water). This water made anyone do whatever the giver wants them to do and usually wakes up with the thought that they had been in a dark room with some presence of what was going on, but it mostly fells like a dream.
Nveryll tried to convince the others in his tribe to stop, but a war had broken out and everyone was anxious and confused. They told him he need evidence and that he was wasting his time on young beliefs. That he was just telling himself this to find an act of bravery so that he could prove himself. They told him to not interfere or else there without be consequences.
Nveryll went against their orders and made a plan to capture Avare and bring him to the Prima Guente (Royal Alpha) for questioning. Once he was before the Prima Guente, they asked him the same the questions Nveryll had asked and more. When they had all the information they needed, they told Nveryll he was right and he would be rewarded with the honor of becoming a Kidalir, but he would also be punished for disobeying orders.
Ever since that day, Nveryll and Avare had been left out of the tribe. They don’t have many friends or any family.

“Oh come on Nveryll”, sighed Avare. “You know I was only kidding. What’s up? We always joke about that. Why are-”
“-Well we shouldn’t. Your parents and Jekan’s parents death should not be joked about. When will you learn that life isn’t something to be joked about? It can be long and painful if you let it be. If you hold on to your guilt and regret. Or it can be long and happy if you let go of those painful memories. If you would just let them go-”
“-No if you would just let go this conversation and tell me what is really going on!”
Nveryll sighed, “Yea your right. Sorry, just come with me.” Curious, Avare slowly stood up and left his cave.
“Where are we going anyways?”asked Avare. Only silence followed, accompanied by the occasional flap of wings and the constant sound of claws clacking on the hard dark rock below their feet.
As they walked down the long stone path towards the center of their camp, the Haeds ev Daelment (Shards of Diamond), Avare realized the smell was growing stronger the more they walked.
It was strange, Avare had smelled many scents, but he could not yet put his finger on what this smell was, for it was strange but almost familiar. This was unlike the smells of the Paplo (Forest), Etal (Earth), and Mea (Sea). Not like the crisp scent of frozen treetops, or early dew on freshly opened flowers, or salty scent of sand glistening from the waves crashing over it, the sea-green waves crashing down, the sea-creatures and dragons ranging through the ocean, the spray of the waves in your face, the taste of the salt on your tongue, the beautiful sun setting on the water, the-
“We’re here Avare. Avare? Avare!”
“Oh good, now what is it you wanted to show me?”Avare said distractedly. He looked up from staring at his snow white claws and coal black feet. “Oh…What…How...”Avare was lost for words. “What happened, why… Why is he, she, it(whatever!) so brown, no green, no grey-Ahh! Why is it so deathly looking? Who, what is it?!” Avare’s words kept getting mixed up in his mouth and brain, and he had too many questions to ask at once. What is this thing? Why was it here? What is wrong with it?


#2
As Avare yawned, a wisp of an unknown scent floated into his den, catching him off guard. There was something about this smell that was oddly familiar, though he was not quite sure where he had encountered this smell before...
“Avare!”
His head shot up so fast that he nearly missed hitting it on the roof of his cave. It was Nveryll, a proud Guento Kidalir.
Guente Kidalir means Alpha Warrior in Draqudal, the language of the Draquens(or dragons).
“Nveryll”, Avare called out of his den. “What’s up?”
“Avare…” he sighed. “ It’s Saryn, he…oh you’ll just have to see for yourself.”
As Nveryll said this, he walked into Avare’s cave. When he looked up from his icy white claws resting on his coal black tail, Avare saw he wore a blanket of woe and on his green face was the finely sculpted emotion of grave sadness and worry etched into the hunter green scales.
“What-”
“You will have to see for yourself”, Nveryll repeated sternly.
Avare slowly stood up and walked out of his den.
“Where are we going anyways?”asked Avare. Only silence followed, accompanied by the occasional flap of wings and the constant sound of claws clacking on the hard dark rock below their feet.
As they walked down the long stone path towards the center of their camp, the Haeds ev Daelment (Shards of Diamond), Avare realized the smell was growing stronger the more they walked.
It was strange, Avare had smelled many scents, but he could not yet put his finger on what this smell was, for it was strange but almost familiar. This was unlike the smells of the Paplo (Forest), Etal (Earth), and Mea (Sea). Not like the crisp scent of frozen treetops, or early dew on freshly opened flowers, or salty scent of sand glistening from the waves crashing over it, the sea-green waves crashing down, the sea-creatures and dragons ranging through the ocean, the spray of the waves in your face, the taste of the salt on your tongue, the beautiful sun setting on the water, the-
“We’re here Avare. Avare? Avare!”
“Oh good, now what is it you wanted to show me?”Avare said distractedly. He looked up from staring at his snow white claws and coal black feet. “Oh…What…How...”Avare was lost for words. “What happened, why… Why is he, she, it(whatever!) so brown, no green, no grey-Ahh! Why is it so deathly looking? Who, what is it?!” Avare’s words kept getting mixed up in his mouth and brain, and he had too many questions to ask at once. What is this thing? Why was it here? What is wrong with it?
“Avare…the thing is...it’s, oh I just don’t know how to…to tell you…” He sighed. This was unusual. Nveryll never had trouble with words. In fact, Gafedi the eldest of The Edelz( Elders) say he should be the tribe beko( poet), but everyone knows there was no tribe beko and there will never be. “Avare…it is Elisma."
Elisma? How could this be? How can that thing be my sister?
I am looking for baubles. I am selling more than 1300 pets for really cheap!!!

Participate in my auction for the Glaucus Prong Fox!!
https://eldemore.com/viewtopic.php?f=38&t=11371
Image


I am also looking for someone to draw a wolf version of this:
http://img07.deviantart.net/d804/i/2013/269/9/c/fire_spitting_by_shade_shypervert-d6nzpy7.jpg
User avatar
Saphira127
 
Posts: 239
Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 12:49 pm

Re: Draquens

Postby Saphira127 » Sun Mar 12, 2017 1:41 pm

Bump
I am looking for baubles. I am selling more than 1300 pets for really cheap!!!

Participate in my auction for the Glaucus Prong Fox!!
https://eldemore.com/viewtopic.php?f=38&t=11371
Image


I am also looking for someone to draw a wolf version of this:
http://img07.deviantart.net/d804/i/2013/269/9/c/fire_spitting_by_shade_shypervert-d6nzpy7.jpg
User avatar
Saphira127
 
Posts: 239
Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2017 12:49 pm


Return to Creative Writing

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests