My Diary<3

[Ellis]

You know what? It's my birthday today, yes it is. And I asked my mother if I could dye my hair to green, well not all of it but some of it, and she said maybe. But I can, only if the color isn't expensive, does that make sense? ´

But then again I want two games, I'm not going to write theirs name yet. But after I get them, then I will post which games it was. But right now I just have to wait for them to release, I must wait for a few months X_X I can't do that! And then there is this game I wanted when I got to know it was coming out this month.

But I forgot about it and now its out and I'm not sure if I really want it, I want it but its quite expensive. So I might wait until they lower the price.

And yet again I was called Samantha by one of my classmates! xD This time it was Jasmine who called me by that name, and this was her excuse "I know your name but I'm used that Samantha is sitting next me." Well I haven't seen Samantha sitting next to her at all!

But its fine, but I find it funny. Other than that, I'm doing fine. Buuuuut there is something else going on between me and my best friend. But I might post about it later, see you guys then.

[Ellis]

Never mind about my best friends, we are best friend again. But what I'm about to tell you has nothing to do with her.

First thing first, I never knew how painful truth could be and now I finally get to know how painful it is. I had a meeting with my mentor, and that when the horrible truth came. She told me that it was a mistake for me to get in to the program I searched to get in.

And that they did a mistake and accepted me in there... So what I'm trying to say is that I was not supposed to get in in that program I searched for. And then that's because I didn't have the grades to go there, but they gave me a chance without me knowing any of this.

Then she said something that made me burst into tears, she said that it would be better for me to drop out and then drop in another program. A program where I can work up my grades and then search once again a program that I want to go in.

Of course it would be good for me but I don't want to! It was my dream to get in to the program that I'm currently in, but then my dream got smashed into pieces. Then she gave me a decision, to pick between stay and fail and wont be able to grades that I need.

Or to drop out and drop in a program that welcomes you without need of grades and work them up. But if I do pick to drop out, that means I will wait one more year.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to leave my class, I mean if I do. Will they see me as their friend who once was their classmate or a stranger who left? And my hard work will go to waste. I'm breaking inside! Then later today my mentor comes back and repeat what she had said, she didn't have to make the wounds she left on me worse!

I'm totally destroyed from this, and I don't know what to do about it. And the worst part about it is that they never told me any of this until today, I was living my dream, a dream that I forced myself to have and now its in pieces.

[Ellis]

To be honest it wasn't that bad ._. I mean my scheme is good because Nearly every day I can go home 2 PM but nearly everyday I start 9:30AM but that means I have to wait in school, since I arrive at 7:25AM I got to wait and that's just painful!

And the strange part is that I don't really have any classmates, that often depends on what class I have, if I have science and if someone else has science the same time I have then that means that person will have science with me. Do you understand?

No? Well what I'm trying to say is that it depends which time and class I have and the others have, if theirs classes are the same and same time that means that they will have class with me. Easier to understand? This is hard to explain but whatever.

But one day, I don't remember which one, but at lunch time I sat alone eating, but then! My old classmates (The ones I had before being forced into a different program) Sat beside me! ;-; It made me smile, but not all of them sat beside me. But that really made me happy.

[Ellis]

Why can't my depression just go away!? I wish I could just throw it away but I can't, I just can't. Everywhere I go, the depression is always following me there. Things that I used to like to do doesn't work anymore, I'm trying to hard to make myself happy but it doesn't really work anymore.

But I will still try! I wont give up! I'm far from done, I'm going to try and try and even what I do is boring, I'm going to force myself to do it anyway! As long my cats, my school laptop, 3DS, family, music, my best friend and you guys are with me, I know I can do it.

But I have been wondering how things would have been if Sigge didn't die and was still alive. A lot of things must have been different if he was, so just thinking how it would have been if he was here with me, that made me sad because that thought hit for a few days ago and I'm still thinking how things could have been.

And I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't have to be nervous for nothing and don't do anything stupid. But its hard to keep yourself busy by playing games that you want to play but once you started it up you change your mind and turn it off and put it away, that happen to me a lot of times.

And with everything coming down with high school, I thought it couldn't get worse but it did. Something is up with my right ear, and what it is I don't know but the problem is that I can't really hear anything in it, but if the volume is high up then I will hear little in it. September was a bad month and this the first time as I can remember that September was a bad month for me and I'm born in September.

Well I don't really have more time to write this, I'm in school and waiting for my art class to start, and nearly all people I had classes with is smoking, yes the students are smoking and that bothers me a lot. But then again that is their decision. I just don't get it why they smoke, I mean its very bad for you.

Well that's it for now, don't worry about me, I think I will be fine.

[Ellis]

I'm not sure what i should do. Sorry for the lazy writing right now but I am very tired. But high school is going good I guess but since what happen happened, I have been thinking what to do with my life. And I guess this is a good thing but I planning to go in another program next year or the year after that ( depends on how my grades are doing)

A program about care and healing, well something like that and then after I finish high school, I'm planning on keep studying care and health and then after that search for a job that is like my brother's, he is working with something about checking people blood tests and other things I think.

And I took an interest in it, so that's what I have in mind but I'm not sure if I am going to do it since then it will feel like I will let the program that I was forced out of down. (Because they gave us things that symbols we got accepted into the family of the program.) But I don't really want to go back.

So that's I'm planning for my life ahead. Well at least its a beginning!

[Ellis]

I'm in school now and I have to wait a few more hours before one of my classes start. And I think it is science. But now to the point and I'm not sure if I have said this before but my old classmates from the program I was forced out of, only one of them seems to still care about me as their friend.

The others, they don't care at all. They don't look at me, they don't greet me when we walk past each other. I just want to say this to them "I thought we were friends!" And then go away. But then again they are very busy but all i want them to do is to greet me or at least make me feel a little bit more welcome.

So I pretty much spend the days alone, I hate it but its nothing I can do about. And the worst part about it is that I got to accept it. But one of them still cares, I am thankful for that. Its like the others lost are their respect for me and just moved on with their lives like nothing really happen.

If someone you knew was forced out of the program you were in, would you still talk to them? Or still care as their friend? Its just like before high school, I am all alone again -.- but if I survived then, I can survive it again. But knowing that the depression is following me everywhere is bad enough, now the loneliness will follow me as well!

Is asking for friends too much of a trouble? I expected to much again didn't I? I will never understand people at all. But don't worry, I am fine. Even with loneliness and the depression following me around, I can deal with it, I have done it before so I can do it again.

But I might be wrong about the loneliness following around.

[Ellis]

Okay, I know that I am not the best choice to be friends with and can be easily forgotten but this is so annoying! I don't really have any luck with making friends do I? ._. So a friend to me (I guess not a "friend") from the program I was forced out of asked me if we could go and swim in a place (Not sure what they are called in English)

And I said yes, so the day came and she said we are going to meet were we usual sit. And I waited there without my things because I could just go get them later, and I ended earlier that day. I waited until one of her classes ended and then she arrived to her locker, I could easily see what she was doing.

Well it was actually lunch but my day ended earlier, and she usually don't eat lunch but this time she did. I was like "Okay, I guess I will just wait here until she gets back" So I waited and then she came back. She went to her locker and grabbed her stuff, ready for next class. But she had time over, but instead walked to me, she went to sit on the bench beside her locker.

And there is no way for her to not see me, I waited until her class started. And I kept waiting tills her class ended and that was her last class for that day. And then she grabbed her things and then she sat on the bench again and waited. I was still sitting were I sat, but then another person from her class walked up to her and they started to talk.

Then I watched both of them leave, it was obvious that they were going to swim. And the worst part of that time was that she would look at me a few times. Couldn't she at least asked if I remembered? I didn't ask because I would just feel ashamed around her and the other because I was forced out of the program.

Once I understood that she didn't remember it, I was close to crying but all I could say to myself was "Crying wont make it better." So I kept those tears in. Well good to know that I can't really truth her, why should I? She forgot me, I don't like being forgotten. My mother asked if I was okay and I lied and said "I'm okay" when I wasn't.

But on that day it happen, I kept thinking that whatever I do I would always be forgotten and hated but that night. I had a very strange dream. This was I remember of the dream:

Me and a few others, I knew who they were but I don't know who they were exactly but I knew that I know them. But there was this one dude that I didn't know who he was at all and I don't really remember how he looked like. We all were walking but suddenly that guy I didn't know who he is, was beside me. Then he asked me this "Do you want to hold hands?"

And I didn't say anything because I was so shocked by the question. But then I could feel how he grabbed carefully my hand. It felt so real, first it was a little cold but then it went a lot warmer. Like someone was actually was holding my hand. And then I can hear the people behind us say "Aww!"

Well I do remember more of that dream but I just disappeared and I found myself in a car with stranger and from that it went really dark so fast. Trust me, it went really dark so fast.

Well that's it for now, I don't have the time to write more.

[Ellis]

I'm fine. I don't know what I want to do right now, do I want to play a game? Or do I want to do nothing? I'm having that problem right now, but I think I will force myself to play something and then switch game or something. I have been bored since the break started.

And I can't decide if I want to buy a game that I don't really want but at the same time want xD First I want it but then after sometime I don't want but then I want it again and then I don't want it. And there are two other games I want, so I decided to wait for those two games to come out.

That feeling when you want something but then you don't want it at the same time xD.

Other than that I have been fine but my right ear is killing me! I can still hear a little, I don't know how to do it better. And now to make it worse, its tickling a lot! ;-; Its annoying! x'D But the thing is, I don't really care if I hear or not hear in my right ear.

[Ellis]

I have been playing Animal Crossing New Leaf lately because I re-created my town because I felt like I needed to. But first before I decided to do so, I asked my brother if I could get his copy of Animal Crossing New Leaf and since he hates it he gave it to me and I re-created that town first a few times but then by accident I broke the game xD

I reset my 3DS a few times before accepting that I broke it. The problem is that it wont start up and I need to press the power bottom and hold it down for a minute or two to turn the 3DS off. Well my brother isn't angry. So that's about what I have done these past days.

But now back to high school, I don't want to go at all but I know I have to. When I was forced out of the program and I was sad and all that but one thing for sure that they destroyed my self-confident. Right now I am so scared that it will happen again the year I search for another program to study in. I am scared that my grades wont be enough and I will be forced out again.

That is the issue for me right now, and I don't think I will ever get that confident again. But I might be wrong, but thinking about makes everything worse so I'm trying not to think about it and not to over think about it. But I can't help but feeling scared about it, and the worst thing about what happened is that the ones I once called "friends" are gathering a table to hang out and when they walk past me, they don't even look at me.

When it comes to friends and what friends means to me, friends mean a lot to me. As I grew up, I had only one or two friends that accepted me for who I am. But now I have only one of them left and right now I'm struggling to become friends with two other girls that are friendly and nice towards me but I do have a problem and that is that i don't know how to act when I'm with the two girls.

I'm scared that if I say something wrong that might offend them or anything like that, they wont want to be friends with me. I don't speak much and I like to talk but I don't know how to speak to others anymore. I'm so tired of all this, I'm tired of this struggle with getting friends. And the struggle with school.

But I keep going because I have no reason to give up, I don't see a reason to give up when I have suggested what to do with my life. But I am so scared of failing. I'm sorry if I just complain about the same thing over and over again but I just can't keep my anger and sadness in, I want to share my thoughts and I want to write them down.

For the must mornings in the school is lonely, the lunch time is lonely too and every break I have is lonely too. Since my best friend is busy, I don't really have anyone else to speak with. I don't know where the two girls are at these times but a few time when its lunch I know where they are. But I want to be with them but I'm scared that they wont like that and then lose all interest to become friends with me, should I tell them that I'm scared to speak to them?

Everything changed so fast, since I started in high school and to this day, everything has changed. And not only that, I can feel the sadness more often and as well as the anger but instead of taking it out, I keeping it in. It feels like I'm lost and I don't know where to go. I'm trying to change myself but its so difficult. I keep asking myself this "Will I ever be happy again?" I don't really know the answer but.

Right now, everything is dark and to me is that I have to do something about it. And to do so, I need to work my grades up and keep going even if it means it will be lonely. Once again I'm sorry if I keep talking about the same thing over and over again but that's how it is now. Once something good happens, I will go on about that. But for now I need to work hard as I promised my best friend.

[Ellis]

Sorry for the long reply, today is it my brother's birth day and me and my mother have been arguing about something about a few hours earlier today. About a week ago, me and my mother drove about six or seven hours. First we were going to get one of our dogs back from the vet.

Because he was sick. And It has been an annoying week, the dog have been licking one of his wound that he wasn't supposed to, so it got infected! And he wont stop trying to lick that wound and its irritating me and my brother a lot since he has something around his neck. (I'm don't know what it is called in English)

And one of my cats has started to sleep on my bed, he doesn't do that a lot but recently he has! It makes me happy because its been a while since he has done that. But right now he is outside and its raining a little. And I wonder where my other went, last time I saw him was when he went into my mother's wardrobe. I think he is still there.

And my third cat is lazy, he is sleeping on the armchair at the moment, I can see you! Haha, I can see him from where I sit. But other than that, I have been tired and angry xD I'm fine.