The Eld Times - Issue One

[Chouhesi]

Welcome to the first issue
of the Eld Times!
We're here to bring you all the of
the hard hitting facts that you
want to know!

Discussion Thread
~*~
This month all of Eld prepares for
the All Hallow's Eve event
coming at the end of the month.
So break out your costumes and
candy bowls, and be sure to come
back near the end of the month!
~*~
Upcoming Staff Birthdays
Zayin | October 18th
Skeseth | October 31st
Bast-et | December 2nd
Jendalie | December 30th

Headline Article
Interview with the Sealer
Rash of Robberies Article
Quotes
Character Interview
Conspiracy Theories
Fan Spotlight
Sports Section
Letter to the Editor
Comics
Puzzles and Games

Thread Highlight

Get to Know Eld Users!

- This Issues' Contributors

Choushei
cjr09
Grifforik
Scar
scmarshtacky
Secret
Silverhart
Sphye
Tyasi

[Tyasi]

Turns out our Sealer is more of a Stealer or Not?!

Sealer meant to save Eldemore, but stoops down to stealing from it instead?!?

Today I, Osora Pu'po had a new assignment, one that would shake the foundations of the Sealer to the very core. We had caught the Sealer and had set up an interview to finally get the truth out of them. Read further on how we solved a case, but learned of a true horror lurking in Alabaster!

In the late of the 8th month of our calendar we had finally caught up to the Sealer who was discovered crossing back through Alabaster after their secret excursion through the Mystic Woods.

So we had to ask them a few questions:

Reporter Pu'po: Now Sealer there is no proper evidence collected about you except for the several eyewitness accounts. What do you have to say about your thieving behavior?!

Sealer: I haven’t stolen anything? I was just on my way home, but turns out I have to go to my other home back in Silv—

Reporter Pu'po: That’s not a good alibi; we have several written reports about the Sealer’s secret agenda. Would you like to hear them?

Sealer: It’s a bit of a walk to get home and I’d like to make it there before Hallo—

Reporter Pu'po: According to the first issue report, Old Lady Flannigan was cooking up her famous pies. They had been cooling on the windowsill to make the wait faster, while she placed the cakes in the oven. She was running a tad late on her catering deliveries, you see. And then quote on quote, “I heard some snickering and then a couple of shouts. I hurried back to check on my pies! And my oh my they were gone and that Sealer fella’ was sprinting like a liger pricked by a Drake Thorn!”

Sealer: That’s actually incorrect, a liger wouldn’t run from a simple Drake Thorn prick—

Reporter Pu'po: In this report, a true-born resident had finished baking 5 dozens gingersnaps and went to his front door to greet his guest. After several loud crashes and shouting, there was you wrestling a baker rune right out the window, before running off! Not only that all the gingersnaps were indeed missing. Those were a gift, you heartless Sealer. That would have been recipient shed tears.

Sealer: Oh..oh, I didn’t have that rune dragon in my codex yet. Its a very compulsive action of mine. When I see it, it just hast to be mine.

Reporter Pu'po: Are you saying, you not only steal baked goods, but also defenseless creatures?!

Sealer: I don't steal! I just relocate them to my homestead and in that particular case It just escalated from there…actually I wouldn’t have noticed until it was pointed out to me by… DOLOS!!

~*~

After those shocking words the interview had ended and the Sealer had stormed off screaming the word “Dolos”. Soon after though, all the stolen treats and edible concoctions were floating in the square! They were all being tossed and thrown around, sometimes even juggled while maniacal child-like laughter echoed throughout the pristine white walls of Alabaster! Everyone on the north side can’t forget that far traveling cynical sound.

Turns out we have a food ghost plaguing our fellow Alabasterers and the Sealer! May they seal this ghost away from our grand city, before Hallow’s Eve comes!

[Silverhart]

- Rash of Reckless Robberies Ruin Revelries of All Hallow's

It's that time of year again – when Eldemorians stock up on candy and sweets in preparation for the Gravekeeper's yearly glut on all things sugar. Oh, and the trick-or-treaters. This year however a blight stains our beloved land; a dark prevalent force that effects all races, creatures, and countries, destroying our happiness, our livelihood, and in some cases, our lives. A dark, pervasive force that lies like a snakes in the shadows, waiting to strike... That force, is of course the Candy Bandits. Oh, and Oblivion too I guess.

But as if having a crazed Ancient of destruction on the loose, spreading chaos and death, now we have these unscrupulous robbers running a muck. Recently a widespread string of robberies have been occurring all across Eldemore. These robberies focus on one thing: candy and sweets. What with the Gravekeeper's annual binge coming up, candy prices are skyrocketing as Eldemorians try to stock up before that skeletal specter gobbles up all the goodies. On the blackmarket bulk candy supplies can be worth more then legendary Cardinal dire wolf feathers.

It's believed these robberies are being orchestrated by a group of edible pets – Dessert otterlings, Gummy dires, and Mochi elkrin have all been spotted at the scene of the crimes. We can only speculate on the number of other pets involved in this dastardly crime ring.

Citizens are cautioned to keep an eye out for any edible pet behaving strangely, and to contact their local authorities if they see something suspicious. Be sure to practice caution when transporting or storing your candy. If you approached by the Candy Bandits, be warned they are armed (well – clawed), and dangerous. Remember to stay safe this All Hallow's Eve!

[Scar]

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ᴛʜᴇ Eʟᴇɢᴀɴᴛ Rᴜɴᴇ

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❝I just had a glare down with a stump and lost, I think.❞ - ryoji, 03/30/14
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ᴛʜᴇ Pʀɪᴅᴇғᴜʟ Eʟᴋʀɪɴ
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*Crabwalks threateningly at Azara* ❝LEAVE SO I CAN GET ANGEL LIGERS AND DIREWOLVES; BEGONE DEMON LET THE ANGELS COME!❞ - cjr09, 12/20/14
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ᴛʜᴇ Mᴀᴊᴇsᴛɪᴄ Lɪɢᴇʀ
_--

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❝THE LIGERS GIVE ME LIFE❞ - Startedraining, 08/15/15
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ᴛʜᴇ Hᴇʀᴏɪᴄ Sʟᴇɪᴘɴɪʀ
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❝If Azara sneak attacks my face one more time I'm gonna sic Serca on her, Pokemon-duel style.❞ - Bast-et, 12/26/14
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ᴛʜᴇ Fɪᴇʀᴄᴇ Gʀɪғғɪɴ
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❝Take me away, birdmomma! XD❞ - Silverhart, 06/26/15
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[Sphye]

- art by Grifforik

Eld-Jokes

What has the sharpest eyes?
A: A "see" serval!

What do you call it when you are
surrounded by wild, angry wolves?
A: A dire situation!

When are the Obsidian Gates not the
Obsidian Gates?
A: When they're ajar. (Thanks, Sealer.)

If you see a group of Ligers, you'd better
be careful not to trip! They say that a pride
comes before the fall.

Are Phoenixes good at riddles?
A: Nope! Half of the time they're stumped!

What do you call a dreaming sleipnir?
A: A sleep-nir.

muffin
muffin
muffin
muffin

Character Interview between Featherduster and Oskar

Q. "Hello! May I ask you for an interview for the Eldemore Times, sir?"
A. "Uh - sure..? Who are you?"

Q. "I'm Featherduster, and I work with the Eldemore Times newspaper. Thank you for agreeing to an interview! To start, what is your name, and what do you do?"
A. "Oh. Kay. Featherduster... Um... I'm Oskar. I do surveying work."

Q. "Surveying work? Would you care to elaborate on that?"
A."Well, basically - I measure things. Or I measure Eldemore, I should say. I locate boundary lines, help mapmakers, figure out elevation, distances, angles - that sort of thing. I just get to wander around and measure things, and I write those things down, and then I tell other people the things I measured."

Q. "Interesting! What is one of the strangest things you've ever had to do for your job?"
A."Uh - are you going to keep asking me questions? Well - I guess the only really strange thing I can think of is the time I was mapping a section of the Flickering Vales. I was rechecking this boundary line marked by cairns, and every three and a quarter miles exactly there was always a tree stump. Probably some prank of that Dolos or some kids - kind of a dumb prank, that. Never could figure what that was about."

Q. Oh, how confusing! I'm sure I'd have been stumped, too. Are you much of a traveler, then?
A."Uh... yes. It was.
I suppose you could say that I am. A traveler, I mean. I haven't known any other kind of life but the traveler's for years now. I wasn't made for buildings, and cities and the same sights day in and day out. Grandda always said the wanderlust was in my blood. I wish I could say I've seen all of Eldemore, or even most of it; but I can, at the very least, say I've seen more of it then most."

Q. "Do you have a favorite place that you've traveled?"
A. "Um. No. No particular place. No. I like lots of places."

Q. "Is there anywhere that you haven't yet been that you look forward to seeing someday?"
A. "Uh... no. No place in particular. I just like to climb the next hill to see the other side. I don't know if the other side even has a name. I always look forward to seeing it though."

Q. "That sounds like a real adventurer's spirit! I don't have any more questions to ask now, so thank you for agreeing to this interview!"
A."You're welcome, curious feathery person..."

[cjr09]

Article One- Questions

It's that time of year again, readers, where something in the October air makes mysteries run amok and the shadows in the corners of our vision seem darker, move when they're just out of our line of sight. The trees start to fall barren, giving rise to visions of sharp, darkened branches and monsters, typically hidden by the bright green of leaves, laid out in the open for all to see.

There's something about October that makes people think, makes them see and explore and look at the superstitions of old in a new, more curious light- for this one month, we believe. We believe in aliens and monsters and the things that go bump in the night- we see fairy circles and glowing orbs in the forests at night and we're tempted to follow.

For this one month, we see and we think and we question.

It's within our nature, after all- it's part of being to see that which we don't understand and to wonder about it, to ponder its existence as thoroughly as we ponder our own. None of us have all the answers, and to find out that which we seek it's more often than not necessary to rely on other people- to use the information gathered by many to come to a conclusion about the subject.

But when these answers are refused to us, well. We tend to get more than a little curious.

Take, for example, this very newspaper's main informant- I've been asked not to disclose their name- who tends to answer important, pertinent questions about the world in which we live and the people and creatures inside of it; they tend to respond to such questions with "That's an excellent question" and refuse further insight on the subject.

There are questions that need to be asked, answers that must be had- but every once and a while, someone will refuse to you the information needed; be it the proper placement of an Avian house, if a certain type of pet or person exists, even the Sealer's current whereabouts- and without your answers, you can go nowhere.

The belief this month brings can only take one so far- and there are people who would stop and accept what they had, work off of guesses and their imagination, but not this journalist. No, this journalist promises to bring you only the strongest theories and speculation, only that which can be proven through finding the answers we all seek.

When excellent questions are asked, I go in search of answers- and you, dear reader, are here for those answers; and I'm not one to keep them from you.

I write conspiracy theories- I write what no one else dares to put on paper, what everyone else turns a blind eye to and refuses to knowledge.

And I'm here to answer your questions.

So if there's any you need answered, swing them by the nearest messenger rune and I'll lead you to the light of truth, dear reader. I don't have all the answers, but I'm the one to go digging for them.

Pelly Qilin, Conspiracy Theorist

[Silverhart]

This week's Artist Spotlight is:

Falsanthin

Pepper Asks:
What would you say you like to draw best?
Falsanthin's Answer:
Well I've grown up drawing dragons and similar things. Probably because alot of people I grew up with are into drawing fantasy/sci-fy creatures

Pepper Asks:
Who/what inspires you to draw?
Falsanthin's Answer:
Its mainly the drive to improve. I see so many talented artists online and its always made me want to try improve my skills using art programs so I can make my creatures/characters more realistic.

Pepper Asks:
If you had to pick an eld pet to draw which would it be?
Falsanthin's Answer:
I've always wanted to try drawing the cherry blossom elkrin stag, because it was the creature that made me join the site in the first place. However I decided to leave it for awhile because I'm not very confident in my ability to draw the little details. I'd also love to draw the ancient of the past but i haven't gotten around to doing it yet.

Pepper Asks:
How long have you done digital art?
Falsanthin's Answer:
Not very long at all. I've done things like pixel art for about 3 years maybe? Then i\I moved on to doing skins with pre-made line art on other sites until I attempted my first fanart in June 2014 (which was the flame elkrin stag on my fanart topic). Ever since I've just been slowly working on trying out new creatures, anatomy and shading and now we have an extensive amount of lore on the site I'm trying to move onto getting my eld characters drawn (even though I'm terrible at drawing humans).

Pepper Asks:
And finally what would you say is your favorite piece of art you've done?
Falsanthin's Answer:
My favorite so far is the blue flame elkrin. She came out a lot better than I was hoping and, even though my shading is really bad and basic it came out better than I was expecting!

Pepper's closing argument or statement (She's too excited to figure it out at the moment!)

There you have it folks! Straight from the artist's mouth and into print! Falsanthin is an amazing artist, and they've been doing art for a while now, feel they have much more to learn, but they're so good already that its hard to imagine what they think they need improvement on! That being said, I adore that rune Drake, and all of the images they've done. They make the creature of Eldemore blush over those stunning pictures of their beautiful selves, I mean just yesterday I saw a prong fox gloating to a friend over that image of her! (Talk about needlessly self absorbed and you'll have a prong fox with a complex, admiring herself via painting.) I think we can all agree this artist has ever right to bask in the Spotlight they so deserve!
I look forward to seeing what Falsanthin has in store for the future, and can't wait to see more of this artists Amazing works!

Artist spotlight brought to you by Pepper Popper.

Fanfiction Spotlight

Birdfamily Battle Royal
by cjr09

Link to Original

“Checkmate.”

“How,” the Sealer whines, gesturing wildly at the board.

It’d only been five turns.

“Like I said, you need to learn to focus,” Sorren says, standing from his chair.

The Sealer glares at his retreating back and silently vow revenge as Muzu nibbles at their hair.



~



“Why did you think you would be any better at checkers than at chess?”

“I don’t know,” the Sealer grumbles, glaring out the window rather than look at the evidence of their defeat.

He’d only taken four rounds this time.

“I told you, if you could focus you’d do a lot better.”

“I can focus, you must be chea- oh, what a pretty Rune Dragon.”

Sorren raises an eyebrow and crosses his arms, leaning back in his seat and waits for the Sealer to realize their blunder.

“That didn’t count,” The Sealer says, to quickly and high pitched, and Willy snickers from his position next to them as the unofficial referee of the quickest game of checkers in history.

Sorren leaves and the Sealer bangs their head against the board in shame.



~



“How do you even know how to play this,” the Sealer says, voice slightly higher pitched with terror as they struggle to try and find a good place to move a piece to that wouldn’t lead to their immediate and shameful defeat.

“Why wouldn’t I have played Six Men’s Morris?” Sorren asks, calmly watching you flail as you try and find a way to block him and not lose one of your last three pieces and lose again.

“It’s a tavern game,” they stress, cautiously moving a piece to the outside corner and praying.

“And I’m an ex-pirate. How do you know how to play this?”

Sorren makes a last line of three and starts a lecture about responsibility.



~



Willy joins in when the Sealer challenges Sorren to a game of Liar’s Dice, and all five of the Sealer’s dice get taken in the first ten rounds of the game.

The Sealer’s not surprised at this point, so they throw all their Baubles on Willy winning because he probably had more experience than Sorren in playing this game.

Sorren wins with one die left and both you and Willy groan in defeat.



~



The Sealer challenges Sorren to charades and he flat out refuses, so they play with Muzu, Willy, Fiore and Soulbird until they all grow tired of it and Muzu nearly smashes into the ceiling trying to fly out a picture for them all to guess at.



~



Twister goes in much the same way, except Fiore wins by cheating and knocking Willy on top of the Sealer, who narrowly avoids crushing the birds. Sorren watches from where he’d been roped into spinning the wheel and sips his coffee calmly.



~



Willy casually mentions basic gambling games like Blackjack and Poker, and Sorren puts his foot down and immediately refuses to allow the Sealer to play Willy because “Their mental state is fragile enough as it is, Willy,” and Sorren has to pull out the use of Willy’s full name (Wilhelm Amadeus the Third, who knew) and the threat of no pancakes for a month before Willy stops asking, and the pirate pouts for the rest of the day and swears he’d find a way to teach the Sealer one way or another.



~



They rope Sorren into a game of Go Fish, and partway through the game the Sealer realizes that Muzu had been flying around spying on everyone’s cards and telling Sorren, so Muzu has to wear a hood for the rest of the game and remain grounded while the Sealer grumbled about “lousy cheaters,” and, “why hadn’t I thought of that.”

Sorren still wins.



~



The Sealer brings their Ragtime Runes in to play music for them so they can play musical chairs, and Sorren again flat out refuses to play and leaves, rubbing his temples, angrily sipping his coffee and muttering about “children, the lot of them” and “no focus”.

They did play musical chairs for a while, but once Fiore decided that it was much more fun to sing along to the swinging beat and soon enough it devolves into a swing dance competition, and the Sealer learns that Willy can absolutely not dance because he has no sense of balance when dancing, Fiore was a decent dancer but was more focused on singing, so they disqualify her on principle, and that the Sealer and Soulbird weren’t good swing dancers, per say, but you were better than Willy and a lot worse than Muzu. Muzu wins- the little crow could certainly shake his tail feathers, and the Sealer resolves to find a way to ask Sorren about that without him assigning more homework in retribution for asking silly questions.

He does it anyway.



~



They challenge Sorren to hide and seek, and about a fourth of a second later they realize they challenged a trained assassin to hide and seek and hastily retract their invitation.

Willy laughs openly at the Sealer and they threaten to call child support at that this was ‘abuse, do you hear me, abuse’.

Sorren says that the two of them aren’t the Sealer’s actual guardians, and the Sealer says that then they were kidnapped and “don’t any of you have any morals at all” to which Wily replies, “What are morals? Can we steal them?” and the Sealer flails about until Sorren placates them with pancakes. Willy passes the Sealer a couple of baubles for their good deed as they eat.



~



They play Marco Polo once, and only once, because both Sorren and the Sealer use their respective crows to cheat and Willy declares Fiore the winner because, “I expected this from you Sorren but really Sealer really” and they let the Serval have her victory.



~



Eventually, the Sealer challenges Sorren to a game of “Guess the Eldemore Creature”.

Willy reads the cards, and Muzu, Fiore and Soulbird keep score by shifting pebbles into piles, and while you’re pretty sure all three of them would undoubtedly cheat they would catch each other so no actual cheating would be involved.

“Alright, first question- The pet I’m thinkin’ of is a very rare creature with a leaf hanging from its tail,” Willy reads, and the Sealer slams their hand on the table to answer. “Silverleaf Glasswork Dragon.”

Sorren’s eyes narrow slightly and he sits up straighter as Muzu drops a pebble on the Sealer’s side of the table.

“The creature I’m thinkin’ of is a Sea Serval, and looks red like candy,” Willy says, sounding slightly more cautious about this game now.

“Red-Swirled Candy Sea Serval,” the Sealer says, an instant before Sorren, and he glares from across the table.

“Um- th’ pet I’m thinkin’ of is a pink-ish pygmy that holds a coin.”

“Lucky Cat Sea Serval,” Sorren says, just a bit before the Sealer, and this time it’s them who glares across the table.

This means war.

“Are you two takin’ this just a little too seriously ‘cause-” Willy starts, but snaps his mouth shut as Sorren speaks and Fiore leans forward excitedly like she’s expecting a fight.

“Read the next card Willy,” Sorren hisses, not taking his eyes of the Sealer, and Willy audibly gulps.

“Th-th’ pet I’m thinkin’ of wears a skull and can only be found about Halloween time.”

“Grim Rune Dragon,” The Sealer answers as Sorren draws in a breath, and the pebbles shift to their respective piles.

“Th’ pet I’m thinking of is the most beautiful Sea Serval in all the land,” Willy mock-swoons.

“Fiore,” they both say at once, and Fiore snickers and they all settle in for the long haul.



~



“Pygmy Lockett Sea Serval.” Point to Sorren.

“Phoenix Rune Drake.” Point to the Sealer.

“RGB Green Pygmy,” Sorren says, and Willy flinches. “No, um-” “Lime Otterling Pygmy,” the Sealer answers instead, and Sorren looks positively murderous.

“Maybe we should-”

“Keep reading.”

The battle goes like that until Willy suddenly stops reading off questions from his cards.

The Sealer and Sorren switch their glares to Willy and he shrinks in his seat.

“Th- that’s all the cards,” he says, pushing himself away from the table in his chair before standing and using it as a sort of shield.

Fiore counts the pebbles and puts her paw over Soulbird.

The Sealer stands up so quickly their chair falls over and they throw both fists in the air in victory, cheering.

Sorren looks confused, then angry, then sulky, then quietly resigned to his fate.

Willy pats him on the back in condolence and the Sealer celebrates with Soulbird and Muzu, to which Sorren mutters, “traitor,” under his breath but smiles a bit at the elated look on the Sealer’s face.

The Sealer runs outside to tell everything that would listen- retell the story of their victory to Steve, if they could find him- and Sorren breathes out an angry sigh.

“Honestly, what a child,” he says, and Willy snickers, sitting backward on a chair next to him, crossing his arms and leaning his body weight into the back of the chair.

“Aww, you’re just saying that ‘cause you’re mad,” Willy sing-songs, and Sorren shifts his glare to his fellow Sealer-guardian.

“What did they even want to beat me for, anyway?” The halfborn muses, and Willy throws an arm over his friend’s shoulders. “Maybe because you’re so hard on them?”

“Hard on them? I’m not hard on them, they need to learn. This is the best way to make them learn quick,” Sorren defends, and it sounds weak even to his ears.

“There’s going to be a lot of people who blame them for Oblivion. There’s going to be more who hate them for it. They need to not listen to what people are going to say about them. They’re- they just need to get thicker skin.”

“Like you did?” Willy asks, pointedly, and Sorren sags in defeat.

“Okay, okay. You’re right. Just this once, you’re right.” Willy grins widely in victory and leans into his friend, trying to squish the slighter if slightly taller man.

“Well, now you can make us some pancakes in apology!” Willy cheers, standing and waving his hands in a gesture that’s probably supposed to mean something to Sorren.

“Willy, I have nothing to apologize to you for in the slightest,” Sorren snaps, standing himself and glaring at his grinning friend.

“And it’s three in the afternoon.”



~



Sorren makes pancakes for dinner anyway.

[Tyasi]

The Transcribed Session of the 13th Lucky Foot Jackalope Jersey Semi-finals:

Host Lopson: Welcome Welcome Welcome!!! To the Jackalope race event of the month. I’m your host, Lapin Lopson and here is my partner, Arrow Den’tia.

Host Den’tia: ‘Ello ‘errybody!

Host Lopson: Taking to the marks are the winners from the past races. “Can’t Catch Me” the striped robber jackalope that’s known to pull ahead! “Everyone Hates Cops” is a detective jackalope that always catches the lead! Then the infamous 4th year champion, the snowflake obsidian jackalope, the mighty, the strong, the infamous, “It’s Beginning to Look a lot Like You’re Eating my Dust!” is at his station. The newbie to racing, who is the dark horse of the teams, “The Dark Prince” the normal obsidian jackalope! And the popular 2nd place runner for the past 2 years, “Whimpering Winifred”, the whining water fairy jackalope!

Host Den’tia: Now we wait for the release of one of the best races of the year. These jackalopes are just so lean and top of the line….especially Whimpering Winifred…they look absolutely scrump—

Host Lopson: NO! For the last time we can’t talk about eating the—AND THEY ARE OFF FOLKS! Look at “Can’t Catch Me!” They are meters past the rest of them. Do the others even stand a chance?!

Host Den’tia : I guess age is really catching up to “It’s Beginning to Look a lot Like You’re Eating my Dust!” Man, I remember when after “like” it was just Yuletide there. Times have changed, huh Lopson?

Host Lopson: Yes they have Arrow, just like the tides have changed in the race! Look at that, look at that! It’s neck and neck between “Can’t Catch Me!” and “Everyone Hates Cops!” Man those two are relentless.

Host Den’tia: WOAH, WHATS THIS. “Everyone Hates Cops!” has tackled “Can’t Catch Me!” Are these two natural prey and predator?

Host Lopson: I guess so, because I think “Can’t Catch Me!” is getting arrested. The great beauty of nature absolutely astounds me.

Host Den’tia: Well, due to that misdemeanor, those two are out of the race! All that's left is the past champions and “The Dark Prince.”

Host Lopson: HOLY HUMBLEBUMBLES LOOK AT THIS! IN THE MIDST OF THE ARREST, SOMEHOW “THE DARK PRINCE” TOOK THE LEAD BY MORE THAN TWO HARES!

Host Den’tia: Oh my Hubris, you are right! Unless something of a miracle happens the winner will be “The Dark Prince.”

Host Lopson: I think a miracle is happening, because behold “It’s Beginning to Look a lot Like You’re Eating my Dust!” has pulled up almost to the front!

Host Den’tia: Only a small stretch left, which will be victorious?!

Host Lopson: …What on Eldemore!?

Host Den’tia: WHEN DID “WHIMPERING WINIFRED” SHOOT PAST OUR TWO RACERS? IT MUST BE THE DRIVE FOR NO MORE SILVER!

Host Lopson: NO MORE SILVER! NO MORE SILVER! I’M HERE FOR THE GOLD! I’M HERE FOR THE GOLD!

Host Den’tia: And that is game! The race is over folks! “Whimpering Winifred” will be heading off to the finals!

Host Lopson: Hope you catch wind or through the grape vine for our next races! And I am so sorry to anyone who bet against “Whimpering Winifred”…like I did. Three hundred baubles out the window folks…three hundred baubles…anyway~

Host Lopson & Host Den’tia: We’ll wait for next time and hopefully see the best contestants for the Lucky Foot Jackalope Jersey Races! Bye everyone!

[Silverhart]

Dear Editor,
Love the paper, but I have a question, who exactly is Xander a-courting?

Sincerely,
------anonymous

Dear Anon,
Who in the Holy Glitch are you?! I have no idea how you even got wind of our newspaper in time to get a question sent out, let alone why you seem so interested in our Quotes Officer's non-existent love life. I suspect your seemingly prescient knowledge of our little paper may be due to a flux in the space-time continuum. I have theorized at length over the matter myself, and believe that you, sir, or madam, or thing, are a time traveler from the distant future.

Why you are using this forbidden knowledge of time travel to query me about the romantic bumbles of my employee, I do not know. Unless, of course, you are an agent of the Ancient of Time, come to torment me once again for my experiments attempting to punch a hole in the fabric of space-time. I swear, I burned those papers. I have nothing, I tell you! Nothing! Nothing!

However, progress will not be stopped, my timey-wimey friend, not even by the likes of you! You're trying to oppress me! You're all out to get me! This newspaper will be your doom! You read me? YOUR DOOM! I will expose all your vile lies and conspiracies and secrets within it's pages, as well as your oppression of innocent newspaper editors who build quantum warp portals in their basement. The truth must be heard!

Thank you again for your kind support. We know when it comes to Eldnewspapers, you have no choice, and we value your continued patronage.

Sincerely,
------the Editor

[Grifforik]