I'm very fond of poems too (actually, I'm currently working with putting about 40 of my poems together in order to try to get them published sometime next year, at least I hope to achieve that). ^^
As for your poem, I really like it a whole lot. And sadly I'm honestly quite bad at giving critique and such on poems, because I deem them as a rather free way to write with not all too many rules to follow. But I can say that I for some reason want to say "But when you stand, they're open at." andI don't even know why, perhaps because at and sat rhymes ... x__x
But oh well, overall I really like it anyway, I think it has a very nice flow and a very nice structure. ^^
________________________________________________________________________________________
And hmm ... Wonder if I should post something while I'm here ... Let's see now. Oh my, just realized that my iPad has gone missing. So I can't show you the latest poem I wrote ... Oh well, the second latest is probably better anyway. So here it is;
Frozen
It has been forever, and forever still. Frozen in time, frozen in me.
I’ve been lost, I’m yet to be found. All cold inside, cold and not able to see.
I’m trying to survive, still I’m always telling lies. Alone inside, as alone as one can be.
It has been forever, and forever still. I’m not sure of what to do, what I will do here.
Who am I there deep inside? Who am I to say all these silent lies?
________
And just because I feel like it, I'll show some parts of the lyrics for a few songs I've written that I'm fairly happy with (and again, I can't show the latest one due to my missing iPad. Where the heck is he? Howl come back now, I need you before school starts). A waring though, my lyrics for songs are never happy (but then again, neither are most of my poems), they are overall sad and just depressing because I only write songs whenever I feel something quite strongly. And I'm usually not able to put words to the few times I'm overly happy, I'm only able to put words on my sadness.
Illusion
Have you ever stopped to think about how you make me feel?
It’s hard as it is and I don’t need all of your s***.
I’m hanging on by a thread, barely seeing the light that is alit,
trying to stay alive in a world that won’t let my wounds heal.
You keep calling me selfish,
blaming and believing that I don’t care,
Well you know what; someday I might not give a damn.
Just let me go, let me be free…
I’m not meant to live like you did…
Maybe it is over now, maybe it is over,
it’s time for me to disappear now, it’s time for me to disappear,
because I am dying here.
Maybe you forgot now, maybe you forgot,
my life might be over now, my life might be over,
because I am trapped here inside.
You can pretend that this is all an illusion and that everything is okay now,
I cannot pretend that this is all meant to be, I don’t want your illusion now.
I want to live but you’re killing me by forcing me to stay here.
Maybe I can pretend that I am alive inside; living in a lie…
Indifferent (Do you love me?)
At first there was a laugh, with no excuse of why or how.
At first I didn’t try to see, what use would it have been?
My reactions were wrong, so I decided to hear the call;
voices whom told me that he did wrong – telling me to be safe and lone.
At first I was not afraid at all, yet I couldn’t help but to fall.
At first I didn’t notice it, how could I when I know nothing?
I am but an empty book, knowing nothing at all about love;
voices whom told me that I should fear – telling me to hide and hear.
At first I fell for their song, I felt a fear that was not real so long.
At first I told them I agreed, what else could I have done?
They were my friends, thought I was strong and confident;
voices whom told me I did right – telling me that he was bad.
I was so blind and ignorant, didn’t see anything at all,
while everyone else saw so much more, all that I could not.
They saw what he hid inside from me, the feelings I could not believe.
Believe that anyone, ever would, ever could, feel for me…
I didn’t notice anything, I’m such a lonely fool,
How could I? How could you? Feel for me.
In such a way … Still I want to hear you say …
Say it out loud to me, face me here and now.
I’ll make it clear, let me hear, because I feel no fear.
So far away
Once a dream away, I dream a dream so far away,
deep into a sky, that is darker than the night.
There’s a light shining so bright, so far away.
I wish that I had something, something left to say to it.
All that is left of me, it will never be alright,
when I’m without you here, when you’re not here, anymore.
I wish that you were here once more, not so far away,
wishing I could see you once again, just like it was way back when.
I cannot smile nor can I fight on without you here,
I need you still, please I wish for you to come back home.
I wish for us to be together once again, I want the time to go back,
back to way back when, the time when it was all of us here still.
Please turn back the time, please begin to breathe, again.
Once a dream away, I dream a dream so far away,
I take a breath, eyes closed, to hide the light from my sight.
Still you’re not here, not in this world any longer,
I wish you were, but I’m not strong enough to believe.
All my hope is gone, it will never be the same again,
I will never dream again, I will never hope again,
not without you here, because I need you to be strong.
I wish that you were here once more, not so far away,
wishing I could see you once again, just like it was way back when.
I cannot smile nor can I fight on without you here,
I need you still, please I wish for you to come back home.
I wish for us to be together once again, I want the time to go back,
back to way back when, the time when it was all of us here still.
Please turn back the time, please begin to breathe, again.
The time won’t turn back, I know that now,
I’ve lost you forever more, forever still,
You are both gone and I’ll never see you in this life again.
I’ve lost it all, my hopes, my dreams, my reason to live.
I want you still, I want to find you still, I want you here still.
I’m coming to where you are, because I know heaven is where you’ve gone.
We will meet again, I promise that, we will meet once again.
If only time could turn back …
If only you were with me still …
I wouldn’t cry inside …
If only time … Could make things right.
:origin()/pre00/9974/th/pre/i/2017/333/8/8/canvas_redraw_by_ebriose_by_maralace-dbv8fz3.png)
