"The Dragon's Charge" Help please

[WysteriaRain322]

Ok, so, I've started a new story called "The Dragon's Charge" Its about a girl who sets out to prove to everyone she's not like others, that she has what it takes to be a "Charge". However, I've become quite stumped. It starts out with the main character, Ashling, meeting up with a large and rather intimidating dragon named Galdordune. He's got her cornered and is going to go after her, not kill her or anything, but he's certainly going to try. Nature of the beast kind of thing. I'm a bit stumped though. Here is what I have so far. Any help is appreciated.


The rattle of rain on armor was heard as Ashling made her way along the cliff side, gripping the rocks with her gloved hands, fighting to keep hold. She slipped, gasping with fright as she grabbed a nearby ledge, the rocks crumbling from beneath her boots. She looked down, watching as they tumbled away into the darkness of the ravine below. She closed her eyes, turning back to the ledge as she hauled herself up. She rolled away, resting her back against the rocks behind her, catching her breath.

Something above made her freeze. At first, she thought it was thunder, but the thought came to her. The rain... it had slowed... Ashling's head snapped up and she choked back a scream. A large head protruded from over the cliff above her, violent lava colored eyes watching her closely, having caught her movement. Ashling's eyes widened as the lips slowly drew back on its maw, revealing rows of sharp, dagger like teeth. A low growl, the sound she had mistaken for thunder, rippled the air around her.

Ashling tried to hide, ducking back against the rock, flattening herself out. She could hear the dragon moving around above her, the crunch of the rocks under his heavy feet reaching her ears. She saw his snout emerge from above her small hiding spot, his forked tongue flicking the air, the molten rock color mingling with the darker colors around his maw and the stones. She knew that he would find her. Even if he couldn't see her, that snake like aspect, the flicking of his tongue as he scented the air, would lead him right to her. Slowly, she reached for her sword. The sound of her glove crackling as it gripped the leather covered handle made his head jerk toward her, a loud, deafening roar filling the cavern as he moved so one fore-paw rested on the ledge, his head turning to face her.

[cjr09]

Alright, so it starts off well enough, it can grab a readers attention and hold them there.

It needs a bit of work, but it has a lot of potential.

Usually, if I start off a story like this, with a climactic, life-changing action, when I get to this part I would sort of rewind into explaining the days or even hours that led up to this event. (Like, what did she do to tick off the dragon and why it's coming after her, etc.)

Once you've got that, finish the climactic scene and boom- first chapter.

My main issue with this story is the details- or lack thereof. Explain the rain a bit more- (I'm a bit off on this- rain can be anything from lightly drizzling to hide-your-children-it's a-hurricane.) What does she look like? Is she covered in mud and grime from climbing? Is her hair stuck to her face? What are the exact colors of the dragon? What does the dragon look like, exactly? Is it more serpentine than lizard, with a long body and wide head? Or just the opposite? How on earth is she climbing a cliff with armor on and what leads her to think climbing a cliff was a good idea to get away from a giant, flying, fire-breathing lizard?

I know this is most likely a first draft- this is just what I believe could make it a bit more enticing to a reader. Most of the details I listed could easily be explained with a rewind situation I explained above- but if you decide to do something else you would need to address these.

I do apologize if I came off a bit critical- I'm not trying to be rude, I promise. ^.^;

[WysteriaRain322]

Thanks for the advice. It is a first draft yes, more to get the idea flowing really. I was going to go back and add/remove things as I went. Thanks for your advice, again. You didn't come off as sounding too critical or rude at all. Thanks again. I'll update this with the revised version after I get it worked over.