My Diary<3

[Ellis]

I'm sooooo bored right now.

I dont really know what to post, but maybe I should draw something, boring but at least I will be doing something, right?

EHHH I don't know what to do, maybe write something, eh....

[Ellis]

Its snowing very much O.O it's like another storm.

I'm still stuck on a game, it's hard even, but I will keep trying.

I played Pokemon with my brother today X) now the hate is coming, I like Pokemon so deal with it.

[Ellis]

Another weird dream xD but I had it once before, but this time it was different :O

Well I can't explain so much sorry D:

I have been watching an anime over and over again xD

This morning I have been playing with my brother, help my mother a bit and that's all.

Later today, I guess I going to do that same thing as yesterday xD

I have been sick in three days but I feel better today.

[Ellis]

I going to have a English test, but this one is special, and I'm scared to fail it. If I fail it I will serious cry about it. and I have no confident in myself ;-; if I get a bad grade in English I will cry, I really mean it.

I had a dream... but the only thing I can remember is a full-moon. xD

Well wish me luck on the English test ;-;

[Ellis]

I think the first part of the English test went bad, but the next part is tomorrow ;-; I don't want to!

Another boring day at school, but my classmates can't shut up, so I was very angry during one lesson.

[Ellis]

Sorry!! my laptop got a virus and I had to, yeah you know what you do XD (a bit lazy right now)

but after I got it back, the mouse-pad thing (not sure what it is called) wasn't working so I had to send it again (dont know some words)

So I have been without my laptop for some weeks.

[Ellis]

;-; so alone... feel like I can cry at any moment, *sigh* I'm depressed, and have been depressed about a year now. Why I post this? Well, maybe I will feel better but if you don't want to read anything about depressing things, then it would be best if you don't read this.

I didn't realize I was depressed until somewhere around of 8 grade (yes I'm in 9th grade .-.). It wasn't that bad, but it become much worse, not having a friend around is sad you know? not being able to speak only think they will laugh at you.

So I kept silence, because I was afraid of say something wrong, and I believed that they would laugh at me if I did say something, and I have always thought that they would. It didn't take that long for me to cut myself, first time I did it was for a bad reason and that reason was: "I was curious how it would feel and look" such a bad reason, but the other times.

Was because I was very angry, I can still see some cut-marks on my left arm, close to my hand to this very day. I kept silent about it because I didn't want to see my mother heartbroken, later I did a promise with my best friend to not cut my self again.

But.... somewhere in January or this month, the promise I made was broken. I had cutted my left hand, I kept it hidden from my mother, I'm not sure if she knows. Then I lost my laptop, which made me sad.

Everything just became worse ;-; because then I started to feel ashamed of my weight (my weight is 70) and I felt more depressed, so then I got an idea. I knew that it was going to be hard but I didn't eat anything, only breakfast. How that happen, well, my family could't afford to buy food, so we was forced to eat bread.

But one day I thought "Hmm... maybe I should skip eating today, my brother and my mother needs it more than I do anyway, I don't deserve to eat because how fat I am". I did eat the next day.

But after some days, I was more ashamed of myself so I started to train with my best friend. Somewhere around 20th of this month, I decided one thing, that was "if we have to eat bread, I will try to skip it because I don't need it" and I do skip lunch in school.

Under these days that this has happen, I have kept thinking "Would it be better if I was gone? well I'm sure nobody would miss me if I was gone", I have even thinking of committing suicide... I have even tried, how? by holding my breath. Pathetic way, right? but I have been planing about it too.

All this happen because of the choice I made, in the start of 7th grade, I didn't like my classmates at all, I hated them. So.... I blocked them away from me, ignoring them, they never wanted to talk to me anyway. So I choice the loneliness and silence around the end of 7th grade, and I even blocked out my family.

I sat in my room, not wanting to speak at all, just wanted to be alone. Right now I wish I never did what I did, I wish I had realized what a mistake I did, and now I suffer from it, even when my best friend by my side now (she started after some weeks or months in 9th grade)

I even wished something bad would happen to me, and I still do, I just don't want to suffer from my mistakes anymore, but it was me who made these decisions, but I didn't know it would turn out like this, I don't want to feel the pain I caused myself, but that pain will always be there until the day I'm not here.

[Ellis]

Okay, I had a meeting in school, with my mentors and my mother, once it was over, I was very tired, but then they said I should go home because I looked like I was sick x'D but I didn't say anything so I ended up home.

[Ellis]

My mother let me stay home today, that's nice of her. But if I went to school I would be stuck and watch movie the whole day and that would be too much for me xD what movies I dunno.

I finally going to play a game with my brother xD We are going to play Pokemon, yes I like Pokemon.

[Ellis]

Wow, it's snowing and there is still snow. What's going on?